Today, we have been blessed. We have learned how the philosopher-kings of our nation, or “opinion writers” as they are called in the modern parlance, have voted. You can’t move for it on Twitter: it’s basically a list of first and second preferences, scrolling forever down my screen like the world’s most boring 1980s arcade shoot-em-up. “Brian Paddick 1, Ken 2”, says a Guardian columnist; “Jenny Jones 1, Boris 2”, says someone off the Times; “Herman Van Rompuy 1, Edward Heath 2”, says Ed West; “Siobhan Whatsername 1, Ned Stark 2”; “Comply or Die 1, Kauto Star to place”; “Barney the Dinosaur 1, the Treaty of Westphalia 2”, that sort of thing.
Even better, we get to know the manner in which they voted. “Held my nose and voted for Ken”; “gritted my teeth and voted for Boris”; “stood on one leg while wearing an adult nappy and voted for the Ukip guy”, etc etc. And the reasons: “If you don’t vote for Ken, you’ll get Boris.” “A vote for Siobhan encourages independents.” “I’m showing support for the Greens with my first preference.” “I literally don’t know who any of these people are.”
What’s brilliant about this is, right, that it means we know the correct way to vote! Thank you, great saviours, for your guidance – the path to righteousness is lit by your shining truth. We peons can follow in your footsteps, sure in our stride, knowing that we can err no longer if we just step in line. Perhaps in future, instead of actually voting, we can simply mail a voting slip to the columnist of our choice, and they can make our democratic decision for us.
(And, since I know you’re all wondering, I went 1) Nick Griffin 2) What Do You Mean Nick Griffin Isn’t Standing, I Said Nick Griffin, Goddammit.)